The connection with oneself through compassion

The connection with oneself through compassion

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When the negative concepts that we have of ourselves prevent us from seeing our own beauty.


  • 1 Nonviolent communication, a language of life
  • 2 Translation of judgments about oneself and internal demands
  • 3 Whatever you do, make it a game

Nonviolent communication, a language of life

An important area where this violence must be replaced by compassion is our ongoing evaluation of ourselves. Regrettably, “They have taught us to evaluate ourselves in a way that often contributes more to fostering resentment towards ourselves than to learn” says Marshall Rosenberg, in his book Nonviolent Communication ”

These people were taught to judge themselves in a way that implies that what they did was wrong or was a mistake; the way they reproach themselves implies that they deserve to suffer for what they did. It is tragic that, in the face of mistakes we make, so many of us become entangled in a feeling of hatred towards ourselves instead of benefiting from mistakes that reveal our limitations and lead us towards personal growth.

If the way in which we evaluate ourselves causes us to feel shame and, consequently, we change our behavior, we allow our growth and learning to be guided by the hatred we harbor against ourselves. Shame is a form of hatred towards the person himself, and the things that are done as a reaction to shame are not free or joyful acts.

Although our intention is to behave with more kindness and sensitivity, if others perceive that behind our actions there is shame or guilt, they are less likely to appreciate what we do, than if we feel purely motivated by the human desire to contribute to life .

“Avoid using the should with yourself”

This expression has the enormous capacity to generate shame and guilt. It is a violent expression that we usually use to evaluate ourselves and is deeply rooted in our conscience. An example of this is: "I shouldn't have said that" or "I should have imagined it." When we use it with ourselves, most of the time, we resist learning, since the expression implies that there is no other option. When human beings listen to a demand, whatever type, we tend to resist it because it threatens our autonomy, our deep need to choose.

A similar expression of internal demand is present in the following self-assessment.

  • What I'm doing is scary
  • I have to stop doing it

I have to quit smoking, I have to exercise more. They do not stop telling themselves what they "should" do but continue to resist doing so.

Translation of judgments about oneself and internal requirements

When we systematically communicate with ourselves through internal judgments, accusations and demands, it is very under the concept we have of our own person. What we say is: “I am not behaving in a way that is in harmony with my own needs.

The challenge that is presented to us, then, when we do something that does not enrich our life, is to evaluate each moment in a way that inspires us to change

  • The direction we would like to go and
  • From self-pity and respect for ourselves, and not from hatred, guilt or shame.

We can train ourselves to recognize when our "internal talk" is permeated with judgments to ourselves, and immediately focus attention on the underlying needs.

If we see, for example, that we react by reproaching ourselves for something we did "Well, you ruined everything again," we can stop to think. What need of mine, unsatisfied, expresses this moralistic judgment? When we connect with the need we will feel a huge change on our body. Instead of the shame, guilt, depression that we probably feel when we criticize ourselves for having ruined everything, we will now experience various feelings. Be it sadness, frustration, disappointment, fear, distress or any other feeling. Nature gave us these feelings with a definite purpose, they serve to mobilize us and make us act in the achievement and satisfaction of what we need or value.

In non-violent communication, grief is the process of connecting fully with our unmet needs. and the feelings that are generated when we recognize that we are far from perfect. It is an experience of repentance, but a repentance that helps us learn from what we did without blaming ourselves or hating ourselves. When our consciousness is focused on what we need, we naturally focus on thinking about creative possibilities related to the way to meet our needs. Moralistic judgments tend to perpetuate a state of self punishment.

Forgiveness of ourselves in non-violent communication is the connection with the need we were trying to cover when we did what we now regret having done.

Whatever you do, make it a game

An important form of self-pity is making choices motivated only by our desire to contribute to life and not by feelings of fear, guilt, shame, or a sense of duty or obligation. When we become aware of that enriching purpose of life that lies behind the action we undertake, when the spiritual energy that motivates us is simply to make life wonderful for others and for ourselves.

When we acquire clarity about what need we satisfy with our actions, we can live them as a game, even when they involve a lot of work, a challenge or a frustration


  • For money
  • By approval: The approval of others is a form of extrinsic reward ...
  • To escape the punishment
  • To avoid shame
  • To avoid feeling guilty
  • Because it is a duty

If we review the unsatisfactory actions that we are currently forced to perform and if we translate the "have to" by "choosing", we will discover more joy and integrity in our lives.